Question:

Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu respected Mufti

I humbly & respectfully have a concern I’d like you to address with this response please.

Converts to Islam would have a very difficult time explaining to their families (particularly immediate families) as to why they can’t attend weddings, funerals etc especially if it involves an immediate or very close familial relationship. Many converts are already criticized or even completely ostracized/expelled by their families for their new faith. However as Muslims we are taught to do all we can to keep the ties of kinship. So how do convert Muslims who are expected to take part in non-Muslim occasions like this AND keep the ties of kinship if we cannot participate? And by participate, I don’t mean pray or take part in religious rituals, but just to attend the occasion. Can we not go but just not pray with the congregation at the time that prayers are being recited? And if you say we still can’t attend then how do we deal with the backlash we will get from our families who may already be upset or outright angry at our conversion to Islam?

My grandmother is Alhamdulillah 104 years old & for me to not attend her funeral when she passes would alienate my already angry family (angry because I converted) to the point that I would never be able to keep ties of kinship to them anymore. It’s already difficult to keep those ties without refusing to go to a close family wedding or funeral.

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ʿalaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Without a doubt, converts to Islām face an extremely difficult balancing act. On one hand, by proclaiming the shahādah, they must strive to uphold all of the commandments of Allāh and His Messenger ﷺ, and on the other hand, there is the natural desire to remain on good terms with their family. In fact, as you stated in your question, a convert may feel that Islām commands that they maintain good family ties but following other commandments will prevent them from doing so.

Hierarchy of Relationships

Alḥamdulillāh, one can take solace in the fact that the challenges faced by converts today were also faced by the Ṣaḥābah رضي الله عنهم, and Allāh revealed verses in the Qurʾān  addressing their plight.[1] These verses, along with the blessed words of Rasūlullāh ﷺ resolve this apparent contradiction by establishing a hierarchy of relationships. Allāh instructs:

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا ۖ وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا (سورة العنكبوت ٨)

“We have commanded people to be good to their parents, but do not obey them if they strive to make you serve, beside Me, anything of which you have no knowledge.” (29:8)

وَإِن جَاهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا ۖ وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ۚ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُم بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ (سورة لقمان: ١٥)

“If they (your non-Muslim parents) strive to make you associate with Me anything about which you have no knowledge, then do not obey them. Yet keep their company in this life according to what is right, and follow the path of those who turn to Me. You will all return to Me in the end and I will tell you everything that you have done.”‎ (31:15)

Rasūlullāh ﷺ informs us of the underlying principle that must govern all of our actions:

لا طاعة لمخلوق في معصية الخالق

“There is no obedience to the creation when it entails disobedience of the creator.” (Sharḥ al-Sunnah, Musnad Aḥmad, Ḥākim, Ibn Ḥibbān)

We learn from the above verses and ḥadīth that Islām commands a person to be good to their parents and, by extension, their families, as long as it does not contradict another commandment of Allāh.[2] In obedience, Allāh is first and foremost. With the governing principle established, we now come to your question.

General Advice

As is evident from your question, you feel some unease about attending weddings and funerals. It seems that one of the motivations behind the question is that these events may have un-Islāmic elements and you, due to your deep commitment to your faith, are uneasy about going. At the same time, there is the fear of further straining your relationship with your family.

A possible solution is to address these issues and set guidelines with your family beforehand. You can clearly state those things that you are comfortable with and those things that you cannot compromise on. For example, you can tell them that you cannot be part of any non-Muslim religious ceremonies and that, since music and alcohol are prohibited for Muslims, you cannot attend gatherings where these things are prominently displayed.

Similarly, when it comes to prominent religious holidays such as Christmas, Easter, Hannukah, or Diwali, you should abstain from the social rituals associated with the holiday because they stem from the religious nature of the event. However, if your family expects you to be present during the holiday season, you can try to arrange a trip a few days after. Essentially, while you keep track of what is religious and what is not, you should not alienate yourself from your family to such an extent that they harbor ill-feelings towards you.

If, despite your best efforts, they are still upset with you, you must be patient, make duʿāʾ for their guidance, and continue treating them well.

Weddings and Funerals

Funerals

In general, a Muslim is allowed to attend the funeral of a non-Muslim relative provided they stay far away from anything that can even be construed as a religious act. Based on our research, a traditional Christian funeral has four parts. Depending on the denomination, the order may vary:[3]

1. The wake
2. The funeral service
3. The committal service (burial)
4. The funeral reception

The wake was traditionally a religious service, but in many instances, it takes on a non-religious role allowing an informal environment for friends and family to gather and remember the deceased. In this case, it may be called a viewing.[4] The permissibility of attending the wake would be dependent on if the family is holding it as a religious event or as a mere viewing.

A Christian funeral service is almost always religious. A Muslim should not attend this.

The committal service is the actual burial. Though some religious rites may be carried out, the fuqahāʾ have explicitly stated that a Muslim can follow the procession. However, if there are religious rites, a Muslim should stay at a distance from the crowd, but can still be physically present at the gathering.[5]

The funeral reception takes place after the burial, and it is a social gathering. Therefore, it is permissible for a Muslim to attend it while taking care to avoid any objectionable things that may take place (free-mixing of genders, alcohol, etc.).

Weddings

Weddings are occasions where alcohol, music, dancing, and inappropriate dressing and mixing takes place. For this reason, one should abstain from attending. Additionally, it should be noted that it is disliked for a Muslim to enter a church, synagogue, or other non-Muslim place of worship, and weddings typically occur at these places.[6]

As a final note, each and every interaction you have with your family should be with the intention of calling them to Islām – through your good character and through you displaying unwavering commitment to your religion. Inshā’Allāh, both of these things will make a lasting impact on your family and open their hearts to the truth of Islām.

We make duʿā’ that Allāh eases your situation, allows you to act gracefully and tactfully, and that He guides your family to Islām.

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

Muftī Mohammed Wahaajuddin
Farmington Hills, MI
U.S.A

Checked and Approved by:

Muftī Faisal bin Abdul Hamīd al-Mahmūdī
Darul Iftaa Canada, Edmonton
www.fatwa.ca

[1]

تفسير القرآن العظيم (تفسير ابن كثير) تحت قوله تعالى {ووصينا الإنسان بوٰلديه حسناً}، ج٦ ص١٤٤، دار الغد الجديد
وقال الترمذي عند تفسير هذه الآية: حدثنا محمد بن بشار ومحمد بن المثنى، حدثنا محمد بن جعفر، حدثنا شعبة، عن سماك بن حرب قال: سمعت مصعب بن سعد يحدث عن أبيه سعد، قال: نزلت في أربع آيات. فذكر قصة، وقالت أم سعد: أليس قد أمرك الله بالبر؟ والله لا أطعم طعاما ولا أشرب شرابا حتى أموت أو تكفر، قال: فكانوا إذا أرادوا أن يطعموها شجروا فاها، فأنزل الله: {ووصينا الإنسان بوالديه حسنا وإن جاهداك} الآية. وهذا الحديث رواه الإمام أحمد، ومسلم، وأبو داود، والنسائي أيضا، وقال الترمذي: حسن صحيح.

[2]

أحكام القرآن (تحت أشراف حضرت تهانوي)، ج٣ ص٢٦٦-٢٦٧، إدارة القرآن
قوله تعالى {وصاحبهما في الدنيا معروفاً} أي صحاباً معروفاً يرتضيه الشرع مقتضتيه الكرم والمروءة كإطعامها وإكسائها، وعدم جفائهما وانتهارهما، وعيادتها إذا مرضا، ومواراتهما إذا ماتا

[3]

4 Parts of Traditional Funeral Services | Colonial Funeral Home (colonialfuneralhomesi.com)

The 4 Steps of a Traditional Funeral Service (neilbardalfuneralhome.com)

What are Christian funeral rites | Funeral Partners

[4]

Wake vs. Viewing vs. Funeral – What’s the Difference? (memorialplanning.com)

“Traditionally, the wake is a Catholic ceremony based in part on the Celtic traditions of Ireland. Those traditions dictated that family and close friends should stay awake through the night with the deceased in order to offer protection from evil spirits. Once buried, all was safe.

The Catholic notion of a wake may often include a short ceremony involving a priest. The priest may say prayers (usually the rosary) or recite some scriptures. In this stricter Catholic sense, the wake is called a “rosary.”

[5]

البحر الرائق، كتاب الجنائز، ج٢ ص٣٣٥، دار الكتب العلمية، الطبعة الأولى
أطلق جواب المسألة، وهو مقيد بما إذا لم يكن له قريب كافر، فإن كان خلي بينه وبينهم ويتبع الجنازة من بعيد

حاشية الطحطاوي على مراقي الفلاح، ص٦٠٠-٦٠١، دار الكتب العلمية
في مراقي الفلاح: (وإن كان لكافر قريب مسلم) حاضر ولا ولي له كافر (غسله) المسلم (كغسل خرقة نجسة) لا يراعي فيه سنة عامة في بني آدم ليكون حجة عليه لا تطهيرا له حتى لو وقع في ماء نجسة (وكفنه في خرقة) من غير مراعاة كفن السنة (وألقاه في حفرة) من غير وضع كالجيفة مراعاة لحق القرابة (أو دفعه) القريب (إلى أهل ملته) ويتبع جنازته من بعيد

الأختيار لتعليل المختار، باب الجنائز، فصل في حمله ودفنه، ج١ ص١٤٥، مكتبة العمرية
قال: (وإذا مات للمسلم قريب كافر غسله غسل الثوب النجس، ويلفه في ثوب ويلقيه في حفيرة) لأنه مأمور بصلته وهذا منه، ولئلا يتركه طعمة للسباع، ولا يصلي عليه لأنها شفاعة له وليس من أهلها

الفتاوى التاتارخانية، كتاب الصلاة، الفصل ٣٢ في الجنائز، ج٣ ص٧٧ مادة: ٣٧٥٢-٣٧٥٣، زكريا
قال محمد في الجامع الصغير: كافر مات وله ولي مسلم قال: يغسله ويكفنه ويدفنه، وفي الفتاوى العتابية: ويجهزه، وفي الولوالجية: ولا يصل عليه. وفي المحىط البرهاني: واعلم إذا كان خلف جنازة الكافر من قومه من يتبع الجنازة لا ينبغي لقريبه المسلم أن يتبع الجنازة حتى لا يكون مكثر سواد الكفرة، ولكن يمشي ناحية منها، وإن لم يكن خلف الجنازة من قوم الكافر من يتبعها فلا بأس للمسلم أن يتبعها. وفي الطحاوي: لا بأس بأن يعود إذا مرض ويعرض عليه الإسلام.

 [6]

رد المحتار، كتاب الصلاة، مطلب: تكره الصلاة في الكنيسة، ج٢ ص٥٥٩-٥٦٠ دار الثقافة والتراث/ ج١ ص٣٨٠ سعيد
يؤخذ من التعليل بأنه محل الشياطين كراهة الصلاة في معابد الكفار؛ لأنها مأوى الشياطين كما صرح به الشافعية. ويؤخذ مما ذكروه عندنا، ففي البحر من كتاب الدعوى عند قول الكنز: ولا يحلفون في بيت عباداتهم. وفي التتارخانية يكره للمسلم الدخول في البيعة والكنيسة، وإنما يكره من حيث إنه مجمع الشياطين لا من حيث إنه ليس له حق الدخول اهـ قال في البحر: والظاهر أنها تحريمية؛ لأنها المرادة عند إطلاقهم، وقد أفتيت بتعزير مسلم لازم الكنيسة مع اليهود اهـ فإذا حرم الدخول فالصلاة أولى، وبه ظهر جهل من يدخلها لأجل الصلاة فيها.

الفتاوى التاتارخانية، كتاب الكراهية، الفصل ١٦ في اهل الذمة، ج١٨ ص١٦٦، مادة ٣٨٣٧٤، زكريا
يكره للمسلم الدخول في البيعة والكنيسة، وإنما يكره من حيث إنه مجمع الشياطين لا من حيث إنه ليس له حق الدخول