Question:

I would like to get your opinion on an important issue that has occupied me for a long time. I would be very happy if you could help.

My wife and I have been married for over twenty years. Unfortunately, some time after our marriage we realized that my wife and I were not compatible in education, culture, raising children and religion. Although I am older, experienced, more sensitive to religious duties and much more educated than my wife, she always expected me to adapt to her own lifestyle, which I did not approve of. Even though I made concessions from time to time for the continuation of the marriage, I later realized that I had made a mistake. Because her lifestyle was far from a religious-integrated lifestyle (e.g., no 5 times prayer, no hijab, sincere communication with other men like her colleagues, relatives, etc). Because of this incompatibility, we had many arguments and thought of divorce a few times.

However, respecting the hadith “Divorce is the most unpleasant thing in the sight of Allah”, we have given up divorce every time, in the hope that “incompatibility will decrease in time”. However, over time, these inconsistencies increased rather than decreasing, and our discussions got bigger. Parallel to the increase in these incompatibilities and arguments, the love, respect and sexual desires towards each other have decreased to almost non-existent. Especially, my sexual reluctance towards her has increased in the last few years and has reached the point where it can be said that it is almost non-existent. Since I no longer feel the desire to have sexual intercourse with her, I force myself to have sexual intercourse with her once a week or every 15 days in order to fulfill my responsibility towards my wife in this regard.

For this purpose, I sometimes take special supplements before intercourse. In short, sexual intercourse with my wife gives me more distress than pleasure, which my wife is aware of. In addition, our marriage in general has become a kind of “marriage fatigue”. On the other hand, we still love each other, that’s why we couldn’t realize divorcing so far.

On the other hand, unfortunately, since I have a high sensual character, I cannot prevent my soul from thinking bad things and doing sinful acts (for example, looking at haram, sometimes doing istimna (masturbation) a few times a week, etc.). I also worry that one day in the future I will follow the devil and turn to adultery.

I told my wife that since we are not a compatible couple, we had constant arguments due to our growing and growing incompatibilities from the very beginning of our marriage, my love for her was gradually decreasing, and my sexual desire was almost completely lost. I said that I want to marry a second wife, but she did not accept this and said that in such a case, she would apply to court to divorce me.

In this case, I seriously started to consider divorcing and told her about it so that neither of us would argue further and commit sins. If we get divorced, we can both get rid of sin by marrying different people and fulfilling our sexual functions more often, and we can also benefit from the “goodness of sexual intercourse”. My wife does not want to divorce me but left the final decision to me. I, on the other hand, cannot decide which approach would be more correct and beneficial, as I had a hard time deciding to end a lengthy marriage:

1) Continuing the marriage?

In that case, I would probably use pills, pastes, etc. to have sexual intercourse with her. I will continue to force myself using drugs. There may also be a risk of continuing sinful behavior such as looking at haram and istimna and perhaps even turning to bigger sins in the future.

or

2) Divorcing?

In this case, there is a possibility that both parties might marry someone else who is compatible with themselves, so that they will be happier both in general family life and sexuality, that both of us will get rid of the sensual sins that we have fallen into in our current marriage, and even “earn rewards by having intercourse between them (wife/husband) more often.”

or

3) Marrying a second wife?

Since my wife will not accept this situation if she knows. So in order to not get her upset/crazy, I may look for marrying a second wife who lives in another city or country and is compatible with me in education, culture, religion, child rearing and sexuality (of course, if I come across such a person). Although it would be too hard, I will try to treat them both fairly (apart from sex).

What should be the correct way from Islamic point of view, or what is your advice to me about this? Since I have to go abroad for a long time for work these days, I want to make a decision and tell it to my wife before I go.

Thank you very much in advance, hope to hear from you soon.

May Allah bless you.

Best regards.

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As salāmu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh.

We understand that your marriage of over twenty years has been one of many discontents. Your wife neglects basic religious obligations of prayer and hijab, and she communicates unnecessarily with non-maḥram colleagues and relatives. Besides these major infarctions, you two share little in common and physical attraction has been nonexistent. The latter has contributed to, but does not excuse, looking at the impermissible and acting upon it.

We commend you two on the numerous attempts to stay together. You are correct that the Prophet ﷺ said, “The most hated of the permissible (ḥalāl) to Allah is divorce (ṭalāq).” However, he also advised some of his Companions to divorce one another when it was beneficial and outlined the process by which it is done. In his advice, “Whoever among you can support a wife should get married. For it lowers the gaze and protects the private parts” is a clear indication that the one of the main purposes of marriage is to protect one’s chastity and morality.[1] Unfortunately, it seems that the marriage in your case does not fulfill this important function and you are resigned to it not doing so in the future.

We will go through the three options you have proposed one by one:

1. Your question does not mention any sincere attempt at counseling. If you wish to stay in the marriage, you may find it beneficial to undergo couples therapy by a Muslim professional that is familiar with the Sharīʻah. They may be able to help you create attraction between yourselves and find common ground. Crucially, one should seek counsel and form a connection with pious, knowledgeable people so that both of you are fulfilling the obligations of the deen. Without both spouses working towards this, one cannot expect much barakah.

2. If therapy does not work or you cannot agree to it, divorce done amicably is an option to obtain the benefits of marriage that you currently lack. The best method of issuing a ṭalāq is to explicitly state, “I divorce you.” once. There is no need to state it three times as people often do. After three menstrual periods or three months (if she is no longer menstruating), the ‘iddah will have concluded and she is free to marry another person.[2]

3. The sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ is to publicize the nikāḥ and involve the woman’s guardian (walī). It should not be kept secret. Although a nikāḥ is valid without these two, it and the subsequent lying and deceit that occurs should be avoided.

Seek Allah’s assistance in your decision with istikhārah as well. We ask Allah taʻālā to grant you both happiness and contentment in this world and the next.

And Allah taʻālā knows best,

Maulana Mateen Khan
New Jersey, USA

Checked and Approved by:

Mufti Faisal bin Abdul Hamīd al-Mahmudi
Darul Iftaa Canada (fatwa.ca)

[1] سنن أبي داود، أبو داود سليمان بن الأشعث الأزدي السِّجِسْتاني، دار الرسالة العالمية (الشاملة)، 3:505
عن ابن عمر، عن النبي – صلى الله عليه وسلم – قال: “أبغض الحلال إلى الله عز وجل الطلاق”

 الصحيح لمسلم، مسلم بن الحجاج أبو الحسن القشيري النيسابوري، دار إحياء التراث العربي (الشاملة)

عن عبد الله، قال: قال لنا رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: «يا معشر الشباب، من استطاع منكم الباءة فليتزوج، فإنه أغض للبصر، وأحصن للفرج، ومن لم يستطع فعليه بالصوم، فإنه له وجاء»،

حجة الله البالغة، شاه ولي الله الدهلوي، 2:468

ومع ذلك لا يمكن سد هذا الباب ، والتضييق فيه ، فإنه قد يصير الزوجان متناشزين إما لسوء خلقهما ، أو لطموح عين أحدهما إلى حسن إنسان آخر ، أو لضيق معيشتهما ، أو لخرق واحد منهما ، ونحو ذلك من الأسباب ، فيكون إدامة هذا النظم مع ذلك بلاء عظيماً وحرجاً .

محمود الفتاوى، مكتبة محمودية، 5:228

[2] الاختيار لتعليل المختار، عبد الله بن محمود بن مودود الموصلي، مطبعة الحلبي – القاهرة (الشاملة)، 3:121
(وهو على ثلاثة أوجه: أحسن، وحسن، وبدعي. فأحسنه أن يطلقها واحدة في طهر لا جماع فيه، ويتركها حتى تنقضي عدتها) لما روي عن إبراهيم النخعي أن أصحاب رسول الله – صلى الله عليه وسلم – كانوا يستحبون أن لا يطلقوا للسنة إلا واحدة، ثم لا يطلقوا غيرها حتى تنقضي عدتها. وفي رواية: وكان ذلك أحسن عندهم من أن يطلق الرجل ثلاثا في ثلاثة أطهار، ولأنه إذا جامعها لا يؤمن الحبل وهو لا يعلم به، فإذا ظهر ندم فكان ما ذكرناه أبعد من الندم فكان أولى.