Question:
I have a very complicated situation. I wanted to marry someone, and I talked to my parents about him but they refused, because they did not know him & he’s from another culture. I tried for almost a year to convince them, but they did not agree. They were always asking me about my cousin, and I always said no, because I wanted to marry this guy.

We went to my home country and my cousin was there, and they made me talk to him to see if we are compatible. It was okay, and at that point I had given up on my parents accepting the guy I liked. He seemed like a good guy too. So I said yes. It was not forced, just highly pressured. I wanted to please my parents. I was also attracted to him a little bit. While I was there, I had fun hanging out with him.

But now that I have come back to my country, I feel different. I started thinking about that guy I wanted to marry again. I was super depressed and anxious, thinking I made a big mistake.

So, I made istikhara and honestly I did not get any signs or anything. I just felt super confused and scared. My parents just told me that it’s okay you’re doing the right thing, but I don’t feel right. I don’t know whether it is Allah giving me signs or shaytaan driving me away.

The thing is, I realize both relationships I had with these men, were indeed haram, whether it was free mixing or chatting. I know it was wrong. Except on one side with my cousin, my parents accept, while the other side they don’t. I stopped talking to the guy I liked for the sake of Allah, to keep things halal. I tried with my cousin too, but in nature of the situation of us being technically engaged, he still messages me.

I feel disgusted and hate it when he messages me. I’m still in love with the guy I liked. And I keep making dua Allah will reunite us in a halal way. I’m trying to trust Allah, but I truly can’t imagine marrying my cousin anymore. I feel hopeless.

Can I make more istikhara, or should I just trust Allah and see what happens? Is there anything else I can do, besides talking to my parents because when I did that they did not understand. Sorry for the long question, JazakAllah for your time.

Answer:

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As salāmu `alaykum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh.

We ask Allah to forgive your mistakes and grant you a pious spouse. If done properly, the process of looking for a spouse brings a person closer to Allah ta`ālā as they seek His barakah and goodness in their life. We would like to draw your attention to two important aspects of the deen regarding making a good decision: istishārah and istikhārah.

Istishārah

Istishārah is to seek the counsel of those more knowledgeable, more experienced, and wiser. Allah ta`ālā guides us in this way as well:

وَشَاوِرْهُمْ فِي الْأَمْرِ ۖ فَإِذَا عَزَمْتَ فَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ

Consult them in the matter and, once you have taken a decision, place your trust in Allah. (Surah Āl Imrān 159)

You have done well to seek the counsel of your parents. More than anyone, they are likely to advise you in your best interest. If you have a strong inclination in one decision, ask them to consider it but do not let it blind you from their advice. If your parents are not open to the idea at all, then there is no benefit in dwelling over your feelings. Besides the blessing of doing istishārah, obeying your parents in the permissible is rewarding and increases the blessings in your decision further. Allah commands us towards good conduct with our parents and included within this is obedience to them.

وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوٓا۟ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـٰنًا

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and do good to parents. (Surah al-Isrā’ 23)

Istikhārah

Istikhārah is to ask Allah for guidance and to place goodness in one’s decisions. Often, people misunderstand istikhārah as a sign which shows one the “right way”. Rather, it is asking Allah to put khayr (goodness) in whatever direction facilitates itself. The essence of it is to hand one’s matters over to Allah. It is a great Sunnah of the Prophet ﷺ. If done regularly and for the most mundane of things, it means all your decisions will have goodness in them. Just as important, istikhārah creates reliance upon Allah and decreases our connection with the dunya. The person performing istikhārah beseeches Allah, places his trust in Him alone, and knows that He will do what is best for them even if their own heart may not be inclined to it.[1]

Method of Istikhārah

Before performing istikhārah, it is preferable to perform some raka`āt of salāh. This causes a person to become close to Allah and draws His Mercy. If one is unable to pray extra salāh, one can recite the du`a alone.

Imam al-Bukhārī narrates a hadith[2] in which the Prophet ﷺ advised to pray two raka`āh of extra nafl prayer and then recite the following du`a of istikhārah:

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ، وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ، فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلاَ أَقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلاَ أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلاَّمُ الْغُيُوبِ، اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي (أَوْ قَالَ عَاجِلِ أَمْرِي وَآجِلِهِ) فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ، وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الأَمْرَ شَرٌّ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي (أَوْ قَالَ فِي عَاجِلِ أَمْرِي وَآجِلِهِ) فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ، وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ أَرْضِنِي بِهِ _____.

Allahumma innī astakhīruka bi `ilmika, wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika, wa as’aluka min faḍlika al-`aẓīm, fa innaka taqdiru wa lā aqdiru, wa ta`lamu wa lā a`lamu, wa anta `allāmu l-ghuyūb. Allahumma, in kunta ta`lamu anna hādhā l-amra khairun lī fī dīnī wa ma`āshī wa `āqibati amrī (or he said: `ājili amrī wa ājilihi) faqdurhu wa yassirhu lī thumma barik lī fīhī, wa in kunta ta`lamu anna hādhā l-amra sharrun lī fī dīnī wa ma`āshī wa `āqibati amrī (or he said: fi `ājili amrī wa ājilihi) faṣrifhu `annī wa ṣ-rifnī `anhu, waqdur lī l-khayra haithu kāna thumma arḍinī bihi ______.

In the blank space (______) state your need.

Alternatively, Imam ibn Ḥabbān relates a narration[3] from Sayyiduna Abū Ayyūb Anṣārī (may Allah be pleased with him) who reported that Allah’s Messenger ﷺ said, “Conceal the proposal, perform wuḍū well, then perform as many raka`āt of prayer as Allah has destined for you. After the prayer, praise your Lord and make the following du`ā (while stating the man’s name in the blank space):

اللَّهُمَّ إنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوْبِ فَإنْ رَأَيْتَ فِي _____ خَيْرًا لِي فِي دِيْنِي وَدُنْيَايَ وَآخِرَتِي فَاقْدُرْهُ ليِ وَإِنْ كَانَ غَيْرُهُ خَيْرًا لِي مِنْهُ فِي دِيْنِي وَدُنْيَايَ وَآخِرَتِي فَاقْضِ لِي ذَلِكَ

Allahumma innaka taqdiru wa lā aqdiru wa ta`lamu wa lā a`lamu wa anta `allāmu l-ghuyūb. Fa in ra’ayta fī _______ khayran lī fī dīnī wa dunyāya wa ākhiratī fa q-durhu lī wa in kāna ghayruhu ghayran lī minhu fī dīnī wa dunyāya wa ākhiratī fa q-ḍī lī dhālika.

Doing istikhārah once is sufficient although there are some narrations that point towards doing it three, seven, or more times. It is also not necessary that one sees a dream or have an overwhelming desire in one direction.

Allah ta`ālā reminds us:

وَعَسَىٰ أَن تَكْرَهُوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ خَيْرٌ لَّكُمْ ۖ وَعَسَىٰ أَن تُحِبُّوا شَيْئًا وَهُوَ شَرٌّ لَّكُمْ ۗ وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ وَأَنتُمْ لَا تَعْلَمُونَ

It could be that you dislike something when it is good for you; and it could be that you like something when it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know. (Surah al-Baqarah 216)

Our knowledge, intelligence, and emotions are deficient and often mislead us. They may cause us to want something in which there is harm or to run from something in which there is goodness. Our emotions often blind us from goodness and leave us in depression by creating doubts. Know that even if one has an overwhelming desire in one direction, one’s istikhārah will save them from harm and direct them towards what is most beneficial. Allah ta`ālā has knowledge of everything, absolute wisdom, and only wants goodness for His servants.

In summary, we advise you to perform istikhārah after seeking counsel with your parents and any other respected, pious elders. Since your parents have already advised you regarding one of them, perform your istikhārah for him. Move forward in whatever direction becomes apparent and easy. If it does not work out with him, then you may revisit the other option with your parent and do another istikhārah.

Ease your heart by trusting your matter with Allah ta`ālā. He will place goodness in your decision.

And Allah ta`ālā knows best

Maulana Mateen Khan
New Jersey, USA

Checked and Approved by:

Mufti Faisal bin Abdul Hamīd al-Mahmudi
Darul Iftaa Canada (fatwa.ca)

[1] Abū Usāmah Ayūb ibn Mawlānā Muḥammad Jeena. Istikhāra: Seeking Divine Guidance in the Light of the Sunnah. Turath Publishing.

[2]  صحيح البخاري، كتاب التهجد، دار طوق النجاة (الشالمة) 2:57

رد المحتار على الدر المختار، ابن عابدين، دار الفكر (الشاملة)، 2:26

[3] صحيح ابن حبان، صحيح ابن حبان، مؤسسة الرسالة – بيروت الطبعة: الثانية، ج9 ص348، حديث ٤٠٤٠